my talk with Gary the mormon

Gary the Mormon came into the gallery yesterday afternoon.

I didn't know he was a Mormon at first.

He was a white haired, casually dressed man in his late 60s, I'd say. He had small oval glasses and blue eyes. His shoes were wet from the snow-covered sidewalk outside. He walked in the gallery door and I engaged him, like any other customer, with information about the works he was pausing in front of. He was interesting, inquisitive, and talkative, which is always welcomed on my part.

"Do you collect art?" I asked. "Yes, I do," he replied. "Great!" I thought to myself, "a prospective client!" After walking the perimeter of the gallery and talking about Southwest Art Magazine and modern art vs. classical landscape work, he took a seat next to me, and changed the topic of conversation by asking me why I was in Park City (i think he realized that I am not from Utah as most people do, though I do like to think that the gallery sometimes cloaks my foreign manners or lack thereof). I told him I majored in art history and religion at Vassar and love NYC. "How are you liking Utah, then?" he asked me.

"Its a change of pace, a change of scenery. So far its treating me rather well and as much as I might long for a Deli, pizza, bagels, or just someplace open after 8pm, I'm not itching to go back home just yet." I replied. (This is my standard answer to that question.)

Just then his cell phone rang. "Hi, hunny. Okay, well I'm just in a gallery on Main Street talking with a lovely woman who majored in art history and religion. She's from New York but came to Utah to learn about Mormons and art. We're scheduling her baptism for Friday. We just need to find a nice stream or river... okay...I promise not to scare her. Yes. I'll be there at 2. Bye."

At this point, I figured he was Mormon and seen as which it was about ten after one, or so, I knew I was in for a conversation worth remembering and sharing and blogging about. I didn't know what to say after he hung up, so I said the most Mormon-engaging thing I could think of, "That was amusing. A baptism?"

"Yes. Isn't that why you came to Utah?" He proceeded to tell me not to judge Mormons by rumors that I've heard. His defense was just as though there are crazy Catholics or Jews, there are Mormons who like to have multiple wives and follow other crazy tenets. He told me that you have to be a little bit crazy to be a Mormon. I silently agreed. He said that is the case because, "Mormons are all about family. They come before everything. Then when our kids are 19yrs old we send them to all corners of the earth on mission. You've got to be crazy to do that." I thought that was heart warming and terribly honest.

Since I am currently reading Jon Krakauer's "Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith" I decided to probe him for information. (The book is worth a read, especially if you are a history or religion junkie like myself.) I asked Gary what he thought of the book and he played dumb. He told me that I would have to write up a review for him; I took that to mean he's never read it and probably never will.


"So I don't know much about Mormonism except for a few things I've picked up here or there. Can you tell me what is the chain of command within the Mormon church?" I asked Gary, even though Krakauer wraps it up pretty concisely in a footnote on page 4:

"Control of the LDS Church resides in the hands of fifteen men. At the top of the hierarchical pyramid is the "President, Prophet, Seer and Revelator," who is believed to be God's direct mouthpiece on earth. The LDS president appoints two trusted apostles to serve as his first counselor and second counselor; collectively these three men function as the First Presidency. Immediately below the First Presidency is the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, and together, these fifteen men (they are always men; women are excluded from positions of authorirty in the Mormon Church) hold sway over the institution and its membership with absolute power. All fifteen men serve for life. At the time of the president's death, the Quorum of the Twelve appoints as new president the apostle from their ranks who has served the longest; hence the exceedingly advanced age of most Mormon presidents." (Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven; New York: Doubleday, 4)

Gary was pretty dead on, or should I say Krakauer was. Gary explained that the current president is so old and decrepit that he needs three trusted apostles to serve as his counselors. "Sometimes when men get old, they get cranky and senile, and we can't have someone like that running our church." When he dies, they will pick the next most decrepit man to be president. Seems like a good idea, keeping the church in the hands of a crazy old man...

All this talk about men running the church led to my next probing querry: "Where are women represented in the Mormon church? I mean, are they even represented at all?" "As equals," Gary replied quickly. "No, I mean in the hierarchy. Politically. If men run the church, where are the women?" "Well we keep them in separate bedrooms, of course, so they don't fight over us men," Gary joked.

He would make what I am from now on calling "terribly awkward, stereotypically fueled, HILARIOUS Mormon" jokes. Its like how Carlos Mencia can make fun of Hispanics, Margaret Cho can make fun of Asians, Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle of Blacks, and Ellen Degeneres of gays, except there is no precedence for Mormon humor. It's so strange. (As an aside, I am finding that most normal Mormons are very nice, almost too nice, but also possess a dark sense of humor. I work with two Mormon brothers at J.Crew and while they are very nice they have very sardonic humor, which I find myself personally drawn to based on my own dark, dry humor.)

Gary basically couldn't give me a good answer to any of my questions, though he was very engaging and humorous. He said that women were part of the lower ranks of the church. Below the main fifteen men, there are "Bishops" of "Stakes" (Synods) which were comprised of many "Wards" (parishes). Each Stake and Ward were governed under the "fifteen model" (i.e. the head dude has two right hand men and then a parliament of twelve). Within each Ward existed women who represented the "Young Women's Program".

The purpose of the Young Women organization is to help each young woman, ages 12 to 18, "come unto Christ" (Moroni 10:32).

By following the Savior's example and teachings, she can:

• Solidify her testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel.
• Fulfill her mortal mission.
• Return to live with her Heavenly Father.
  (See "Young Women," section 4 of the Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2: Priesthood and Auxiliary Leaders [1998], 211.)

Leaders of young women have a vital role in helping them learn the gospel of Jesus Christ and develop testimonies (see Guidebook for Parents and Leaders of Youth [2001], 5–6).

"Our desire is to help young women be worthy and pure and to prepare every young woman to receive the blessings and ordinances of the temple. We will work tirelessly with your daughters, with you, and with priesthood and Young Women leaders to protect and strengthen and prepare our precious young women to be virtuous and pure and live the standards that will help them be free and happy and allow them to reach their divine potential. We know that we are all elect daughters of God. We also know that each one of us has a great work to perform."

—Elaine S. Dalton, Young Women general president

Check out their part of the LDS website by clicking on the icon above. I don't totally get how this works, though it seems to train young girls to "live the standards that will help them to be free and happy and allow them to reach their divine potential." Just a formulaic way of training their women to follow orders at a young age. Like I said, I don't get it and am still trying to figure out the place and role of women in the Mormon church. (I'll get back to you after I've done more research.)

Gary told me that the Young Women's program was the best opportunity for Mormon women to develop their faith and leadership within the church. After doing some more research, its seems more like a "learn your place" program cloaked as a "leadership training" program. I asked how many girls vs. boys go on mission, he said it was about a 20/80 relationship. It is more common for boys to go, for reasons, again, he couldn't give.

In the end, I didn't learn as much about the Mormon faith as I did about a Mormon's lifestyle. He was very open with me about his past. He told me stories about his two sons and his wife. He told me stories about when he worked at the Osmond's Children's Miracle Network and when he was "called" to be an LDS bishop in Salt Lake City. I also learned that he was "called" to be a Mission President in CA for two years (in charge of over 100 19yr old Mormons on mission) and bought his current house over the phone while still in CA. Beyond everything he was an art lover, brought his kids up as art lovers, and beyond his knowledge of Utah artists and his opinion on the influence of art on one's life, it was his honesty and genuine conversation that I loved having him in the gallery.

Though a persistant and devout Mormon, he was level-headed and quite moderate compared to what I expected. He wasn't against gay marriage, "I have lots of gay friends, and they are great people. I can't identify with them, but they're great people." (I didn't ask if being a "great person" got you into heaven, let alone into the church. I wasn't going to go near that, nor Prop 8.) He wasn't against nude art, he identified as a Democrat, he loves coffee and has drank it in the past but won't touch it now even though he loves it, he loves his wife and only his wife, and he is working on not swearing so much (his favorite cuss word is "hell").

Gary was my very first true Mormon encounter. When Maren, the gallery owner, came in, Gary told her that I had told him that if he bought a painting to impress my boss then I would convert.

He didn't buy a painting, so needless to say I am still Lutheran.